Led by His own hand...

Well...much has happened over the last few weeks. I had been asking God to tell me if He wanted me to start to get involved at Bellevue or not, and I received an affirmative answer. I asked again, and the words of that old hymn came to me, "What more can He say, than to you He has said..." I thought back to Exodus to a verse that I have prayed many times, "Unless You lead us up from here, We will not move." Only a few verses before that, God told Moses, " I am going with you." How many times have I waited on God, received His direction, and then asked Him if He was sure? Too many...

Anyway...They were about to start new studies in each of the Sunday School/Bible Fellowship classes at Bellevue, and I knew that this was the time to start. So...I showed up at 8:00 am and went to the Pastor's class, because they had said the previous Sunday, that if you don't know where to go, go to the Pastor's class. As I was walking in the building, I was telling God that I really can't back out, I guess. There is no church service at 8am, so I really have to go to this class, and if He wants me in a SS class, He'll take me to one, and if He wanted take me, I'd stay the whole morning. So I show up. They immediately spotted me as a visitor (the Pastor's class was an older married's class that got renamed) and this sweet lady came up to me and asked me about myself and was I looking for a specific class. I told her that I had been led to be more involved, and didn't know where to go. She said she'd take me to her daughter's class that started at 9:30 if I wanted to go, so I said ok. At 9, when we got out of class, she took me upstairs and told me that her daughter may not be there this early, but we'd go look anyway. And who should greet us as we rounded the corner into the career/singles dept? Her daughter. They talked for a minute or two, and then I visited with her daughter for a few minutes, and she let me help her kinda greet and pray over the meeting time, and then we sat down for the announcements and worship. When we got up to go to class, there was a voice from behind me that said, "Are you Kathryn?" I turned around, and there was a girl named Bethany Kyzar. As it turns out, I don't remember meeting her before, but I worked with her brother in high school, and she is a friend of one of my friends (Candice Hair). She said that Candice had told her she might see me around. She is in the same class that I was about to go to, so off we went.

Since that time, I have had several confirmations that this has been God's will. I have been amazed in seeing how, even in a church the size of Bellevue, He has led me by His own hand to be exactly where I should be at precisely the right moment. This decision to move was not an easy one. When I left the church after telling Bro. Gary that I felt God was calling me to a different church, I knew there would be a challenge coming up. The next day, Mom told me that they wanted her to start chemo, because the tumors seemed to be spreading. Again, I began to doubt God's leading in taking me further away from her house. She and I had discussed that if I began to get involved, I would probably not be home as often as I was before. I asked God if He knew what He was doing. The answer: "You of little faith...to not follow My direction is a decision based on fear and not trust." To move home or to stay at home is to say that God could not possibly take better care of my Mom than I can. And who am I kidding about that? She fell several months ago. I didn't learn about it until days later. At the very moment she fell, she could have died, because of where the break occured. God chose not to take her home at that moment, because He has a purpose in all that has followed and is following. He is over all things, and I am trusting Him completely. When I hear news like, "they are putting me on chemo until whenever," I can't say that I listen and absorb it with complete joy and peace. It still stings. But I know that the sovereign Lord of the stars, the oceans, and the world events, is the same Lord Who has led me by His own hand and placed me where He wants me. He is intimately acquainted and interested in my life, as He is the lives and hearts of all His children. And even beyond that, He loves those people who are not His children. He wants to have the same relationship He has with me, with them as well. It just blows my mind. It just completely blows my mind.

Lord, thank You for leading me and loving me, even as I falter and stumble. You alone are the Rock that I can cling to and the Refuge to which I run as these storms, these rains that fall on the just and the unjust, come down. You are the only strength by which I can stand up at all. "Not by (my) strength and not by (my) might, but by (Your) Spirit..." Neh 4:6 Only by Your Spirit, Lord.

Subscriptions...

Today, I have added a subscription availability to the blog. I don't update as frequently as I need to, and I realized that I don't check my friends' blogs but every once in awhile, and when they've been faithful to blog, it takes me forever to catch up. After subscribing to one, I found it alot easier to keep up. So...for those who want to, enter your email address on the right side of the page to subscribe. : )

A New Favorite...

I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and I should write something about what all I have been learning, or how Jinotega was, etc. But I really just wanted to share that I have found my new favorite dish at Bahama Breeze. In case you haven't been, you have to go when it's either fall or spring and sit out on the patio. And when you do go, you need to have the Chicken Santiago. (If you go at lunch, it won't be on the menu, but you can get the lighter portion. Just ask.) Anyway...it's grilled chicken with a great red pepper (?) sauce, fried yucas (a member of the potato family) and a spicy/fruity salsa that is awesome. Anyway...Just thought I'd share. It's hard to pick a favorite dish, you know?

Tidbits from Chris Rice

On walking with God:
"I would take no for an answer, just to know I heard you speak. And I'm wondering why I've never seen the signs they claim they see. Are there special revelations meant for everybody but me? Maybe I don't really know You, and maybe I just simply believe. 'Cause I can sniff, I can see, and I can count up pretty high, but these faculties aren't getting me any closer to the sky. But this heart of faith keeps pounding, so I know I'm doing fine. But sometimes finding You is just like trying to smell the color 9.
"Now I've never felt the presence, but I know You're always near. And I've never heard the calling, but somehow You've led me right here. So I'm not looking for burning bushes or some divine graffiti to appear. I'm just begging for Your wisdom, and I believe You're putting some here."

On prayer:
"Fresh page, new pen, where do I begin? Words fail, tears come, I need someone to take the thoughts I almost think and carry them to God for me. Deep breath, exhale, breathe in deeper still. Long sigh, I'm still numb. Is there anyone who can find the things I'm barely feeling, and give them wings beyond my ceiling? Right heart, wrong place, it's too far to outerspace. Sorry, I forgot, You're right here. I cup my hands around Your ear. I feel You smile; You feel my breath. You listen while I whisper nonsense. Simple exchange. Your will, I'm changed. And now my prayer ends. Thank You. Amen."

On feeling out of place:
"Fading memories ignored, I crawl across the forest floor. Pool reflects an orphaned child, dirty lost, alone, and wild. Fatherless and nameless still, fallen heart and broken, will there ever be a place where I belong? I cower 'neath the monster trees, and try to stand on tired feet. But gravity knocks me to the ground, where I give up and tears roll down. I claw the dust and beg the end; curse the day that I began to hope there'd be a place where I belong. I hear a sound I recognize. You lift my chin and seek my eyes. The song of love You sing to me, I ache to sing it back to Thee. 'Father love prepares a place, and brother Jesus leads the way. Follow to the place where you belong.' How did I miss this wondrous song? The forest sang it all along. River rinses all your shame, and Father offers you His name. 'Father love prepares a home, and brother Jesus leads you on. Follow to the place where you belong.'"

Lessons...

Mom and I took a drive this evening. I haven't driven what I call "the loop" in almost a year. At first because of gas prices, and now because I've moved. But I used to drive this one little loop around the farms in Marion. In May and early June, if you drive shortly after the sun goes down, the fireflies are everywhere. I think, after June, it's too hot for them. Anyway...the milo is about ready for harvesting, and the color is spectacular. I'll post a picture soon. (My PC is on the fritz, and I'm having to use Mom's, and I don't have my camera's software on this computer.) Anyway...it was really nice to slow down a bit and enjoy the time. I have really been pretty busy lately, with work, play rehearsal, and running errands.
But I've been thinking alot lately. I think I mentioned memorizing James several months (sadly) ago, and I'm almost finished. I can't believe how much I have learned just by chewing over some of those scriptures. I guess the better way to put that is that I can't believe how much there is to be learned from those scriptures. Much self examination has taken place. I've been especially staying around chapter 4 in the latter verses. 13 "Come now you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go to such and such a city, spend a year there, engage in business and make a profit.' 14 But you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. 15 Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live, and also do this and that.'"
As I was thinking about these words, my mind went to: "If the Lord wills, we shall live." And I realized that I'd never seen that before. In my mind, verse 15 had always read "If the Lord wills, we will do this and that." As if to say that God is only action and goal oriented. He only cares about what we do. But that is not true. He has plans for us for whether we live or we die.
I've been thinking alot lately about living and dying. I guess I can't seem to help it. I also feel guilty talking to people about some of what I'm learning and struggling with, because I get the feeling that people are uncomfortable talking about such things. I don't blame them. Unless I was going through or had gone through something like this before, I don't know that I'd know how to respond. Fear and discomfort steer us to avoid such subjects and people. A quick word about that, though, to anyone who's listening: avoidance isn't the way to respond. It makes that person feel even more isolated and alone. (I am still trying to understand the differences between a "load" and a "burden." One is to be born; the other is to be shared. I won't go into all of my questions on that tonight.)
Sorry for digressing...back to what I was saying earlier...I guess I have been listening for the first time and learning a great deal in the process. I have been learning about the battle that is prayer. I have questioned that often quoted verse in James 5 about the effective, fervent prayer of the righteous. I've been pondering God's promises and why He should even make promises to us, filthy and faithless as we are. There are some truths, which I'll call hurdles, that I've had to stop and examine. Hurdles that I never saw before. It's not as if I even remember stumbling over them...perhaps, I just wasn't even running in the race. I have been just standing somewhere between start and finish.
I have prayed that God would lead me out of the mediocre Christian life. I didn't, and don't, want to merely soak up the air conditioning and play my part in the hug-and-greet-ministry that is being a contemporary Christian. I have struggled with being in the world but not of it. I think I would love to live and work in a totally Christian environment, but then how would I grow, and how would the lost meet Jesus? I want God to use me and be glorified. Yet even with all the fire and passion of pleading to be used, when the messiness of life comes, I beg to be released. Did I not expect the refining process to be painful? Did I expect to be put into the fire, in order to purify my faith like gold, and for it not to hurt or surprise me, even just a little? Oh that this simple existence of mine would run untiringly the race set before me! That forgetting what lies behind, I would press on toward the goal. That I would cast off the things, little and large, that so easily entangle me and run. Lord, thank You for a second wind.

4th of July Memories...

Today is one of my favorite holidays. Why? I guess because it's a fuss-free time for family and friends to get together. I can remember going to see the fireworks show (I think it was in Jonesboro) every year. We'd break out the picnic blankets and coolers, claim a good spot, and run around until the show began. I remember one year we had 3D glasses. And another year, my dad began to think that the ash from the fireworks wasn't good for our eyes, so he bought us these sunglasses. These were no ordinary glasses. They were huge, and they had a little battery attached that powered the mini-lights along the top rim. So we wore light-up sunglasses to watch the fireworks in the dark that year.
Another fond memory is of going to the Twist's house in Earl, AR to have a huge buffet/picnic, parade, and a homemade fireworks display. My grandmother sent us a video the other day of 1982 that had July 4th, as well as Will's and my birthdays on it. It was pretty funny. There were these fireworks that had parachutes attached, and that is where the video starts. All of us kids (girls: ponytails on the side of the head, strawberry shortcake t-shirts; boys: knee-high white socks with colored stripes on the top, shorts with stripes down the sides) running around collecting them. THEN you see the men (in the same clothing as previously described for the boys) setting up the fireworks and running away when they were finally lit. There is the sound of my dad's voice calling out to me and Will to watch out and not get too close. Dad was always behind the camera and very seldom in front of it. My dad was pretty country. Mom liked to make fun of me when I came back from college, but as I watch our old home videos, I am discovering that the potential for a deep southern accent has run in the family for years. It's good to hear my dad's voice sometimes.
I remember the year the youth group decided to do our own thing, and we set off our own fireworks. There was one that went straight up the driveway and split the crowd. We all hit the pavement.
It's a time for potato salad, swimming pools, and bug spray...Iced tea, apple pie, sparklers, and staying up late. There's not really any stress involved. No picking whose family to spend it with; no presents to buy; no fuss over the menu. It's all simple and pleasant. It's a time to enjoy the people closest to you.

God has been, and is, so very good to us.

A picture is worth...

a thousand words (and memories).

This picture is from The Office, one of the few shows that I adore. How excited am I that the season finale is playing again this Thursday? Answer: very (since the power went out when I had tried to tape it the first time.) I had to wait almost a week before I could find out what happened.