Cancer...

How much do I hate that word. I hate everything about it. It is insidious. It is consuming. It brings suffering of all kinds. It brings doubt and questions. It brings worry and fear. It makes every minute felt. It forces us to face our humanity and frailty. It drives us into the very lap of God, to Whom we look for answers, comfort, strength, and endurance.
Can I hate cancer and love God?...Can I hate the trial and not the fellowship it brings?...Can I be so honest with God that I actually verbalize all my desires before Him, even if they may not coincide with His will?...
This last has been just one of the struggles for me. My head says that I am to ask God for His will to be done. My head says it's ok to ask God to heal my Mom. My head says to keep the requests under control and not to let my heart scream out it's own requests. But my heart cannot be silent. I confess that what I want may not be God's will. It shocks me to learn that I actually struggle with being that honest with God. I'm almost ashamed to tell God exactly what I want, because I'm afraid that I'm out of His will. And yet, He wants us to make our requests known to Him. I mean, He knows our hearts, and He knows what we need before we even ask. But He does want us to ask, doesn't He?
I feel like that small child that is having to obediently clean his room, but that whimpers and cries the entire time. I want to throw myself onto the floor and throw the biggest tantrum ever, and then just lay there until this all goes away. But I cannot. I must choose to make precious memories from each day and try to keep them stored so that I will never forget the sound of her voice, or the color of her eyes, or the way that she comforts me when I'm losing it.
Oh God...thank You for this time. I don't like it. I'm uncomfortable. I'm scared. But I know that there is a purpose in this pain. You are sovereign, Lord. I know You are fully aware and fully in control of everything, no matter how minor, that is going on. Please continue to sustain. Give us grace. If it would be Your will, Father, heal her. Restore her. I know you absolutely can. You gave muscles that were mere fibers the immediate ability and strength to not only move the joints, but to allow the finely-tuned control needed to skip and not fall down. Muscle fibers that had never really existed in the first place. We spend years as toddlers and children developing those skills of balance and muscle tone. You can put them there instantly. I know You can heal her. But Lord, I accept Your plan. Just keep helping me through it. Give Mom all she needs. Please spare her from pain. Please, Lord. Please.